My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
