I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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