It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
