U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
we made out on top of his cat.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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