im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
