I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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