found the other keg... it's in the tree
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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