you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
