I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
