Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
