So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
