we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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