You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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