One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
