he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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