I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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