the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
