i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
