i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I've blown a few things in my day
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
