I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
