The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
