just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
