Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
