We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
