You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
