he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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