Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
