A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
