she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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