I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
