I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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