Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
