im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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