i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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