nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
