It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
