He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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