His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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