Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
