Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
