my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
