Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
