I wish my penis had an off switch
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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