So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize