just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
