dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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