Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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