eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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