I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
