Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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