All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
