Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
