Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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