god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
