I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
