I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
